I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Let's paint friendship bongs
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
