I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
