I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
