My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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