If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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