You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
