I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
