theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
