see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
