Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
i came on her dog
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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