Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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