her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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