I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
