"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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