1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
