So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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