worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
