if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He shit in the fireplace
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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