if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Just high enough for therapy.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
