These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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