you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize
