I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
