Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
