come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
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