i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
