I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
