i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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