The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
