She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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