i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
