Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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