I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
So apparently I’m into choking now
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
