the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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