Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
