Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
