Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
