On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Randomize
