she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
