me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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