I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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