please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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