imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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