A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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