R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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