well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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