Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
