loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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