one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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