Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
