Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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